Twenty-four Years of Terror

God, it seems like another life. We went to the airport, walked our family members all the way to the gate and waved goodbye as their flights took off for far flung places. We made crude jokes about politicians, but generally respected the office and those who were elected–even if we vastly disagreed on policy. School shootings weren’t commonplace. Assassination attempts on political leaders were rare. We might suspect our political rivals, but we didn’t hate and fear them. We argued about the best way to spend a budget SURPLUS! Those were the days.

Everything changed after September 11, 2001. It was a terrible event. We felt vulnerable in ways we hadn’t in years, decades even. A successful incursion on US territory. We were afraid. Remember when that meant we came together in solidarity? For a little while, we were just Americans.

Fear is a powerful tool. It was used to justify a long, drawn-out war against terror ranging across several sovereign nations. We invaded two, and bombed at least five others. We turned veterans into heroes, giving them priority boarding and standing ovations anytime they attended public events. At the same time, our fear of terrorists justified acts of terror committed in the name of fighting terrorists.

Fear and instability were heightened along the way with two housing bubbles (we are currently in a third, and perhaps the most devastating one of all if the correction hits too quickly) along with market fluctuations from the dot-com bust, global market crash, European debt crisis, Chinese trade war, not to mention Brexit and COVID related impacts. We have spent two and a half decades in a near constant stress response — fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Fear makes us vulnerable to those who promise safety in exchange for our moral conscience, and the keys to the kingdom. It’s no wonder people want a strong man to swoop in and save the day. Why have all the super hero movies hit so big during this time? Why have all the alternative super hero movies hit so big? Why all the nostalgia remakes? We are looking for peace, either from a rescuer or in the dissociation of an imagined tranquil past.

When our heroes fall flat, when certainty fails us, when the bottom falls out of the prosperity gospel we can lose hope. Despair, despondency, and depression move in and keep us stuck. We lose the ability to come up with creative solutions. Sometimes we double down on beliefs and systems that got us here in the first place. Sometimes we walk away from everything. The rise in those who don’t identify with any religious body, and the simultaneous rise in dogmatism and purity projects among various sects should not surprise us.

There comes a time in every adult life when we have to accept that no one is coming to save us, we have to do it ourselves. We have to noodle through the problem. We have to look up solutions that have worked for others. We have to discern what might work for our situation–whether it’s that we added too much salt to the soup or we have to change a flat tire. Some solutions will work. Some will have to serve as lessons learned in what not to do. We reach out to community. We ask for help. We grow in confidence with every solution we are able to find, and every little bit of progress we make.

The world is a scary place. It’s not going to get less scary by cowering in our corners isolating from those who are different from us. It’s not going to get less scary by telling the worst stories over and over to justify our prejudices. It’s not going to get less scary by finding the right people to blame and punish. It’s only going to change if we change it. It’s only going to change if we reach out to community. If we try to build solutions together. If we seek the common good. If we accept that we are imperfect and we will get it wrong sometimes and we can get back up and try again.

And we have got to rediscover joy. You can’t be terrified and joyful at the same time. (Don’t come at me with childbirth and parenting, that’s not simultaneous it’s alternating and often we turn to terror because joy is vulnerable and here, just go hear what Brené Brown has to say about it.) If we can return to joy, we ignite our creativity and release our minds from the death grip of survival.

It’s so dark outside. It feels like we can’t escape the chaos. But in the darkest moments, the smallest pinprick of light makes all the difference. Shine whatever light you have, and if we all will shine together we can make a brighter future. Darkness only wins if we let it.

The Tale of an Anxious Evangelical

Once upon a time, right here in Wichita, Kansas, lived a young evangelical. She journaled every day, cataloguing the scriptures she’d read, her gratitude for everything in her life, how she’d fallen short, her desperate desire for guidance, and the myriad requests benefitting the lives of everyone around her. I came across her journals this week as I was decluttering and organizing the various piles of things accumulated over the years and unconsciously moved from house to house over the past twenty-eight years since high school graduation.

This precious younger version of myself was so afraid.

She was afraid of making any choices about the future.
She was afraid of having doubts, wrong beliefs, and making mistakes.
She was afraid of not admitting her doubts, etc. (that would be prideful).
She was afraid of missing God’s will for her life.

Oh, she knew the bible verse, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind.” She could quote it. (And she just did in my mind as I typed this.) She knew “Perfect love casts out fear.” And she had been informed that the Bible had declared “Do not fear” at least three hundred and sixty-five times, one for every day of the year. But she was afraid anyway.

It had been drilled into her that God had a specific plan for her life, and she was quite literal in her understanding. If a person wasn’t listening and took their own path, they were in rebellion, and outside God’s protection. Of course, God would only allow bad things to happen so they would quickly come to repentance and return to meticulously following God’s will, but those bad things could be really bad. She believed all the scared straight stories of youth group and study books for teens. She took it all seriously. She was so serious about all of it that her youth leader once accused her of not opening up enough about her struggles in youth group, but she wasn’t struggling with what he wanted to hear.

One night she told this same leader that she felt like God was distant, she hadn’t “felt the Spirit” in the same way she used to. For context, she’d just finished reading the Bible through for the third time in three years, attended multiple youth groups, prayed every day, never missed a Sunday worship, everything she could think of to be a good disciple. His response was, “If God feels far away, guess who moved.” It reinforced to her that closeness with God was her responsibility, and apparently perfection was not enough.

Fundamentalism sells us the idea that if we can just double down on certainty we will be safe. We will have the answers. We will please God with our right answers. We will avoid hardship and pain. Pain we do experience will only come from two places–persecution by human or spiritual agents, and as a result of our own missing the mark. If we can just be perfect enough in our belief and obedience, we will be safe from God’s wrath.

This sweet girl was desperate to please God.

What I know and understand now is that she already did. God already delighted in her. She was already beloved. She didn’t need to prove herself. She was fearfully and wonderfully made, a bearer of the Divine Image. To be clear, these were all messages she had received alongside warnings that she really did need to prove herself worthy. The double-speak of “God has a wonderful plan for your life…to send you to hell to suffer for eternity” is a real mind-twister. By faith alone, but only if you believe perfectly. By faith alone, but only if your actions are perfectly aligned with your beliefs. By grace alone, but really it’s up to you.

But I digress. This sweet girl trusted everyone but herself. She waited for external signs, instead of listening to the Spirit’s inner voice. She called legitimate fear “stupid” and discounted her own experience because she needed to die to herself. Which logically meant, her personality and everything that made her who she was had to go. She could not do something because she enjoyed it, that would be too fleshly. She could not make a decision on who to date based on her own discernment, that would be judgmental. She was paralyzed by fear.

I wish I could go back and talk with my younger self. I’d take her by the hands and gaze into her face. I would tell her she is good and beautiful and lovable. I’d tell her she is kind and wise. And if I could keep her from rejecting my counsel outright (because I am an obvious heretic to her way of thinking) I would remind her that in all the Bible stories, no matter what path people took God was at the end of every one of them. And God was there along the way. And God did not hide a Divine agenda, or allow people to inadvertently stray from the path. God promised to never leave her or forsake her. Never. And the God who shaped and formed her to be exactly who she was, was delighted to see what she would make of the life she’d been given. It was hers all along.

ReFreshing my perspective refreshes my soul.

I haven’t decided yet if this is a one-off, or an excuse to make a series of posts. It’s been a long time since I blogged regularly. We shall see where this takes us. Charity

On Mother’s Day

There’s a lot I want to say about mothering, the journey it takes to get here, and all the pain I wouldn’t trade away because it would mean losing all the joy as well.

Being a mother is something I took for granted. I thought I would have a house full of kids, “as many as I could afford” is what I always used to say. This sentiment scared the dickens out of my husband who was afraid he’d never be a good father. So we decided we would wait five years after marrying before starting a family.

Our first pregnancy was great. I felt sick the first three months, only throwing up twice, once hilariously vomiting nothing but cold water I had just swallowed. It was still cold coming up. I had a good labor and delivery–all of my labors were fast and relatively uncomplicated. I am thankful because I know that is not the case for many. My sweet, super-hero-posing, strawberry blond snuggle bug evoked more love than I could have expected.

Two years apart was good spacing. My sister and I were two years apart. We found ourselves expecting again right on schedule. At seven weeks I miscarried. This wasn’t in my plans. I didn’t know how to grieve. Was this grief for a person, an idea, a dream? I had begun having pregnancy dreams the week I started bleeding. To dream of nursing an infant one day and be on the phone the next listening to the nurse talk about what to expect as my body expelled the products of conception.

Three months later I was pregnant again. Bleeding again. This time with pain so severe I thought I would die as the car drove over bumps in the road on the way to the hospital. That weekend left me with no pregnancy, and one less ovary. “Don’t worry,” the doctor said, “I removed one woman’s ovary and she went on to have seven more babies.” I was left wondering how do I grieve these two losses so close together when I didn’t know how to grieve just one?

A year after my first miscarriage I was pregnant again. I couldn’t bring myself to be excited. It was too uncertain. I didn’t know how to tell people, if to tell people, when to tell people. What if I had to take it all back again? But this pregnancy lasted. My second was born a week early, bright red hair and elf ears. My ovary had worked, maybe we were back on track to the houseful of kids I had always wanted.

That year postpartum brought an unexpected series of physical symptoms in my body. Something was wrong. I was having shooting nerve pain, headaches more days than not, and extreme fatigue that would hit without warning and last for hours. A year and a half chasing a diagnosis, and Chronic Migraine was the winner. Trying to find a treatment over the next two years was exhausting, included medications that were unsafe for pregnancy, and in the end lifestyle changes proved to be the most effective.

All that time I was aware that my window for expanding my family was closing. We didn’t want to have babies more than five years apart, so we started trying again once I had been assured that the medications had left my system. It took a year to get pregnant. It lasted six weeks. Miscarriage number three brought me literally to my knees.

I was five pregnancies in with two live births, three miscarriages, and still, a longing for just one more. My husband and I made a deal, one more pregnancy or one more year. We would be done either way the following year on our anniversary. He’d get a vasectomy and we would call our family complete.

It took seven months after miscarriage three to become pregnant again. This one stayed and became our third chubby-cheeked, strawberry blond baby-bean. Five years, seven months after our second-born.

People assumed we stopped having babies because we finally got a boy.

People have commented on our big age gap, “Oh, starting over?” and “Will this one get another close to his age?”

When I experienced pregnancy loss some were compassionate and so helpful. Others said ridiculous things they had heard and passed on with good intentions. “God needed another flower in his flower garden.”

All three of my kids bring me so much joy. They have taught me about myself, and revealed my deepest flaws. They have challenged me to expand my ideas about humans and the world. They have made the last 18 and a half years of my life a non-stop adventure. I would not trade them for anything.

But I want to say, I didn’t always know I would be on this side of things. After miscarriage one I thought we might not get another chance. After miscarriage two I thought I would need to adjust my expectations, my dream of a family, to include just one child. After miscarriage three, I was ready to call it quits. I’m glad I didn’t, but I have nothing but love for those who do.

If this Mother’s Day finds you with a quiet, empty house where you hoped to hear little giggles, I see you. If this weekend you are experiencing the grief of infant loss or the loss of dreams, I hear your cries. If you birthed babies into the world and didn’t get to watch them grow, or graduate, or move into their first apartment, or any number of things you longed for, you are not alone.

To be a mother is to tear yourself open, body and soul, to give life to another. And there are no guarantees. So if you are mothering children you birthed, adopted, are fostering, or loving on the kids of your siblings, neighbors, and friends I wish you all the joy you can carry. And if you are struggling to get out of bed because of the weight of loss, I wish you rest and healing, grace and mercy, and strong companions to help you on your journey.

Empty Cities

There’s an empty city in America tonight. The entire population of Wichita, Kansas has been wiped off the map. 390,000 souls set adrift leaving extended family wondering how it all happened.

There were warnings, procedures for prevention, but no one believed it would really come to this. Now there’s a hole in the social fabric, the economy, and the hearts of all suffering from this tremendous loss.

I wonder, if this was the headline would we understand the impact of the past year on our nation? Of course Wichita is not empty, but it’s population represents the number of people who have died in the US from COVID-19. Last week we surpassed the population of Honolulu, the week before we passed the population of St. Louis. Tomorrow we will have lost the entire population of New Orleans.

Perhaps if we lost these lives all in one place we would care. Maybe we would finally believe that this tragedy exists. As it stands, we are entering the worst surge of cases and deaths since the pandemic started, and we aren’t likely to see it dip for some time.

Hospitals are full. ICU beds haven’t been available for weeks. Ambulance services are delayed in cities like LA where some patients are waiting in ambulances in the parking lot for hours because there is no room, no doctor available to treat them, no nurse able to hold their hand.

And still I see people argue that it isn’t real.

I had accepted early on that the pandemic would likely last until summer of 2021. It seems now that may have been overly optimistic. By the time we see this taper off, we will certainly surpass 500,000 deaths: the population of Sacramento. We will potentially have reached 750,000: more than Portland, DC, Denver, Boston, or Seattle.

I wish I could recall that optimism.

There are people who are not taking this seriously. They refuse to follow easy, basic prevention procedures. They insist on having large in-person gatherings and not keeping their distance. They are now saying they will not take the vaccine when it is available.

390,000 people are dead.

By contrast, we go to incredible lengths to avoid things that are very rare! How long did you stand in line last time you flew on an airplane? Did you know that fewer than 1000 people have died in the last 20 years in American commercial plane crashes? If you add in the fatalities on the ground from the terrorist attack on 9/11, we still fall at fewer than 4,000 fatalities. Yet we subject ourselves to bomb screening, ex-ray, body scan, and taking our shoes, belts, and sunglasses off when we go to board a plane. Because of fewer than 4,000 fatalities.

390,000 people who had families, friends, communities, jobs, children, and pets are dead.

100 times the number of people killed on 9/11, but a mask is too much to ask. Delaying gatherings is too much to ask. Getting tested and isolating is too much to ask.

390,000 people are dead. More will die. How many more empty cities will we tolerate?

When will we decide we’ve had enough?

Cityscape Photo by Joey Stern on Unsplash
Empty Bench Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Doctor Photo by Mulyadi on Unsplash
Calendar Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Airport Photo by 褚 天成 on Unsplash

Bearing Divine Light in Grace and Truth

This message was given to the gathered body for worship at Berkley Friends Church, January 3rd, 2021. The audio and written portions vary as is common in delivered sermons. To listen to a richer version of this written text, click here to go to the Berkley Friends Church website.

Ephesians 1:3-14 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 just as he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless before him in love. 5 He destined us for adoption as his children through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace that he freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace 8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and insight 9 he has made known to us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure that he set forth in Christ, 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to gather up all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. ¹¹ In Christ we have also obtained an inheritance, having been destined according to the purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to his counsel and will, ¹² so that we, who were the first to set our hope on Christ, might live for the praise of his glory. ¹³ In him you also, when you had heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and had believed in him, were marked with the seal of the promised Holy Spirit; ¹⁴ this is the pledge of our inheritance toward redemption as God’s own people, to the praise of his glory.

John 1:1-18 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was in the beginning with God. ³ All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being ⁴ in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.

⁶ There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. ⁷ He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. ⁸ He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. ⁹ The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.

¹⁰ He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him. ¹¹ He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. ¹² But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, ¹³ who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God.

¹⁴ And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth. ¹⁵ (John testified to him and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks ahead of me because he was before me.’”) ¹⁶ From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. ¹⁷ The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. ¹⁸ No one has ever seen God. It is God the only Son, who is close to the Father’s heart, who has made him known.

I have always loved this passage in John’s gospel. As a believer, and as a Friend or Quaker, the thought that God does not leave us alone to our own devices, but comes to reveal God-self to us. Christ came to show us the Light, a gift of God’s grace to each of us.

What does it mean to have the Light of Christ?

As Friends we cherish the concept of the Light within. We point to it as the seed of God, or that of God in every person. From that foundation, we call for the just and equal treatment of all people. This is beautiful, and I in no way want us to stop seeing every human being as sacred bearers of the Image of God.

I do wonder if we have forgotten how the first Friends of Jesus, Children of the Light, how they viewed the Light of Christ. I did some digging and found an abundance of material from those first Quakers discussing this subject. What I found was challenging.

The light checks you, when you speak an evil word, and tells you that you should not be proud or unrestrained, nor fashion yourselves like the world; for the fashion of this world passes away.

~ George Fox, 1624-1691

Now, Friends, deal plainly with yourselves, and let the eternal Light search you, and try you, for the good of your souls. For this will deal plainly with you. It will rip you up, and lay you open, and make all manifest which lodges in you; the secret subtlety of the enemy of your souls, this eternal searcher and trier will make manifest. Therefore all to this come, and by this be searched, and judged, and led and guided. For to this you must stand or fall.

~ Margaret Fell, 1614-1702

To Fox, and Fell the Light of Christ was a conscience, an inner prophet calling the soul to repent—to turn away from the world and walk in obedience. It is at once a consolation and conviction. In a word, the Light brings both Grace and Truth.

How do we see the Grace and Truth John emphasizes in light of Paul’s assertion that in Christ every blessing in heaven is ours?

In Ephesians 1:3, Paul says that in Christ we have been given every blessing in the heavenly realm. He continues by laying out the gifts of God’s grace lavished on us to make us Holy and blameless. We belong by adoption. We are forgiven and cleansed. We are given knowledge and understanding of God’s will. Grace and Truth again. Even though Ephesians and the Gospel of John were written far apart in both space and time, the Light of Christ shone on these themes of Grace and Truth.

Is it possible that all the gifts in the Heavens are contained in these two? Grace is unmerited, unearned favor, blessing, and gifts. Grace brings us into God’s presence while we could never work our way there. Grace whispers to our hearts that God has not only visited us, but longs for us to belong as dearly loved children. Grace pours light and life on every person.

Truth shows us two things, our own shortcomings and the reality of God’s love. Without truth, we would hear those whispers of Grace and wonder if they were only our imagination. Truth shows us the way to healing and wholeness. Part of that is knowing where we are sick and broken.

As a child we had revival preachers come and declare we were destined for Hell. I loved a good cry and a release of guilt, but I don’t know that these revivalists spoke the full truth. Too often their words were heavy with condemnation and shame. The Light desires our wholeness, not to poke at already gaping wounds.

What is our responsibility in light of these gifts?

John’s Gospel proclaims that the Word of God, the intention, message, will, reputation, and splendor of the Creator, the very same Word through which everything was created, the Word that gives light and life to all, stepped out of the Heavens and into the flesh to bring us Grace and Truth.

God’s greatest gifts all rolled together in one person, Jesus. Can we stand in awe for a moment?

By walking among people, talking with them, touching and healing them, laughing and crying with them, drawing them close Jesus lived the Grace of God.

By teaching, and by example, he showed them the Truth.

As the Light dwells in us, we have access to the same Grace and Truth.

What do we do with the Grace? Draw near! God desires for us to belong, let us not create distance. We can embrace the Love, Belonging, and Joy by drawing near.

What do we do with the Truth? Open wide! I know going to the dentist is not everyone’s favorite pastime. When we visit, especially if we are experiencing pain or difficulty, we may downright dread those words. But opening to the dentist, and opening to the Light of Divine Truth are the only way we will experience relief. Open wide and let the truth in to diagnose and treat and heal. Open wide and allow the Light to direct your path into new arenas of growth. Open wide, and allow the Light to show you where you can love better.

The beauty of this Grace and Truth is that we are not alone in our efforts to draw near and open wide. If we will begin, God will empower us to carry it through. The Light does not lead where Heaven will not supply. It doesn’t make our journey easy, it makes it possible for us to take the next step. Begin where you are and trust the Light to guide you in all Grace and Truth.

I will leave you with these words from Elizabeth Bathurst:

The Seed, or Grace of God, is small in its first Appearance, even as the Morning Light; but as it is given Heed to, and obeyed, it will increase in Brightness, till it shine in the Soul, like the Sun in the Firmament at its Noon-day Height.

~ Elizabeth Bathurst, 1655-1685

Draw near and open your hearts for God’s Spirit to work in you.

Thanks and God bless.

Featured Sunrise Photo by Cristofer Jeschke on Unsplash

Congratulations!

Congratulations to the winners of my devotion giveaway this week!

Faith Kelley and Berkley Friends Church, California

Trish Edwards-Konic and Springfield Friends Church, Colorado

Janet Burrows Biernacki and Plains Friends Church, Kansas

Sharae Slater and Shiloh House in Emporia, Kansas

These individuals and the ministries they nominated each received a printable PDF copy of Twelve Days of Christmas: Devotions for the Christmas Season.

To purchase your own copy as a Kindle eBook head to Amazon.com
Twelve Days of Christmas: Devotions for the Christmas Season

To purchase a printable PDF copy for yourself or your ministry go to AboundingInGrace.com
Twelve Days of Christmas: Devotions for the Christmas Season

Twelve Days of Christmas Devotions for the Christmas Season

Winter is quickly settling in. Snow pictures are filling my social media feeds, and snow is accumulating in my front yard. Christmas is still ten days away, but let’s be real in 2020 who can predict how those ten days will pass.

It’s been a rough year. I go back and forth between being ready to celebrate, and ready to hibernate until spring has sprung and the vaccine has begun wide distribution. Celebrating may not come naturally, so I will have to choose to engage it intentionally.

That is where my new book Twelve Days of Christmas: Devotions for the Christmas Season will lend a hand. Taking ancient celebrations of feast days and remembrance of the saints, bringing in scriptures, songs, and a call to contemplation I have laid out a series of devotions that will take us from Christmas Day through Epiphany. That’s Twelve Days of Christmas, and a bonus Epiphany devotion, thirteen days in all.

Would you join me on this devotional journey? I’m setting up a cozy corner, planning to leave the Christmas tree in place, and committing to spend the last days of 2020 and the first days of 2021 remembering that God is present and calling me to draw near.

Preview on Amazon.com

This devotion is available for $7 as a Kindle ebook on Amazon.com
You can also purchase a printable PDF through my website AboundingInGrace.com
for $6 for Individual and $50 for Churche use
under the resource tab.

You’re Doing It WRONG–Pandemic Redux

I was reviewing some memories on social media this morning and I came across this post. It still rings really true for me three years later, and I wanted to revise and revive it a bit, and add a paragraph acknowledging our current state of being. Right now the last thing we need is to down on each other or ourselves for not being perfect in the middle of a pandemic. Some of us are sending our kids to in-person school while biting our nails, some of us are facilitating virtual school while trying to work from home, some of us have transitioned to home school and are outside of every box we thought we knew. Some are even doing home school like normal, but can’t escape into a coffee shop or go on a Target run; or our business is struggling; or someone we love is sick; or we’re finally processing all the pain we haven’t let ourselves acknowledge, because we’re 40! We all have extra on our plates right now. So here is what I hope for each of us today: finding five minutes today to breathe deep; finding beauty in a falling leaf, a cloudy sky, or the voice of a friend; finding delight in something new; finding encouragement in the knowledge we are not alone.
Pandemic Grace,
Charity
(Pandemic Updates in Italics)

I read another one today, a mommy blogger who mixes all the perfect things together like fashion modeling and Jesus, telling all the leggin’s-clad, stained XL t-shirt-wearing, run down moms exactly how much we are all failing.

It totally worked.

Now I am going to LOVE every minute of motherhood.
Now, I am going to cook only homemade, organic, gluten-free food for my family.
Now I am going to finally BE that Proverbs 31 woman! (Let’s ignore for a moment that this woman never existed as a single entity, and that if she did she had domestic help.)

NOPE!

Reality–these posts tick me off.
Reality–I am blogging right now in my pajamas.
Reality–posts all about how women are doing it wrong when it comes to marriage, family, parenting, and all-things-domestic really only serve to grind women’s faces into the dirt while heaping more responsibility for unachievable perfection onto their already overwhelmed shoulders. (Check out the length of that sentence! I think a little of my personal feeling on this is coming through here.)

Can we bring it down a notch, please?

Modern life is hard. I realize that is such a #firstworldproblems kind of statement, but let’s examine the truth for a moment:

*300 years ago it was enough to keep your children alive and marry them off at 13 or send them to be an apprentice.
*150 years ago it was enough to make sure they finished the local school course which ended around 8th grade.
*50 years ago it was enough to see that your children were individual people (thanks Dr. Spock).
*Today, you have to know your child’s unique personality, temperament, love language, and fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-is-trending [previously spirit animal (this was appropriation and I repent) and patronus (this was my next choice, dang it J.K.!)]. You have to scrapbook/photo-blog every second of their life. You have to make sure they play a sport, play an instrument, and have sufficient playdates. You have to make sure they are challenged, but not too much; given grace, but still develop grit; have firm schedules and boundaries with enough flexibility to make their own decisions once they leave home–which may be never if the economy doesn’t rebound or if you chose the industrially farmed broccoli instead of organic, or this pandemic never ends and we end up in a dystopian novel nightmare.

What we all really need right now is another blog telling us how we are failing and ruining our children’s lives, not to mention tearing down our houses with our own hands like that foolish woman in Proverbs.

I want to say something to you, caregiver of small humans:
If you grew a human in your body, delivered them into the world, I recognize that you care about them. If you drove to the hospital or flew across the globe to pick them up and take them home, you want good things for them. If you wept and worried through fertility treatments, surrogacy, adoption, supported your partner as they grew a small human inside of them, I see that you would do anything to love them until you can’t breathe–they are so beautiful.

I also see the heaps of laundry, the piles of dishes, the disaster of a playroom, the incessant bickering, the insomnia, the teething, the talking back, the full-blown fits in the middle of Target (those were the days, am I right?). I see you tired and overwhelmed by all the demands. I see you struggling to realize that you shine at 6 month-old baby care, but suck at embracing the Kindergarten stage. We all have our sweet spots, maybe one of those super organized blogging mammas could make a spreadsheet and then I would raise your 2 year-old and you could have my 11 year-old until the next phase hits and we could all trade again.

Parenting is hard. We don’t need someone telling us all the ways we are falling short, we need cheerleaders for those beautiful moments where we do smile at our children and mean it when we say, “I love you, sweetie, have a good day!”

You may not know that I have my own checklist for parenting success. I blogged about it here, but I will condense it for you:
1. Don’t kill them.
2. Do your best–whatever your best looks like in this moment.
3. Love them.
4. Trust God–if you are going to be a parent, you need a higher power.
5. Everything else can be worked out in therapy.

So if you didn’t score a perfect 10 this morning, don’t beat yourself up. Grab a cup of coffee, fold 5 minutes worth of laundry, call a friend and invite them to put their kids on Zoom to distract your kids so you can have grown up conversation on the phone in the next room. Give yourself some grace, it’ll go a long way toward your ability to offer grace to your kids as well.

Anne of Green Gables once said, “Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” Here’s to a sea of tomorrows, and hope that we will take each one as it comes!

Grace for ourselves and others on this parenting journey.
ReFreshing

Zooming-out on Abortion, a Broader Perspective

What I learned reading the abortion statistics of my state.

Nebraska is thorough in its collection of abortion statistics. I’ve been curious for years about the details of what factors contribute to the abortion rate in our country. It occurred to me some time ago that it benefits both sides of the abortion debate to keep things vague. If we never think about why a person would come to the conclusion that abortion is their only or best option then we can assign whatever motive benefits our positional argument. Often the pro side simply argues that a woman has a right to choose. The con side simply argues that abortion is murder. Take out the complexity and we don’t have to face the deeper issues, and we don’t have to take personal action other than signing petitions or voting for our favorite candidate. Sadly, these deeper issues that go unaddressed are the very boots on the ground issues that you and I could have some influence over!

So what does abortion look like in the state of Nebraska? The most recent statistics are publicly available here as a pdf. Click and then check your downloads to open. http://dhhs.ne.gov/Reports/Abortion Statistical Report – 2017.pdf

Nebraska asks some questions that I have been wanting answers to regarding why a person would seek an abortion. You can go about asking that question in two ways, either by the average person seeking an abortion or by the ones who stand out. I will do a little of both here to keep us all honest.

In 2017 1,958 abortions were performed in the state of Nebraska. When asked the reason for seeking the procedure in a mark all that apply format the following information emerged. Lack of contraception or failure of contraception contributed in 1,238 cases (63% of total). Incest contributed in 2 cases, and sexual assault in 17 cases (1% of total). Fetal anomaly contributed in 16 cases, danger to the mother’s life in 14 cases, physical health of the mother in 51 cases, mental health in 34 cases (combined 6% of total). Socio-economic reasons contributed in 82 cases (4% of total). Some of these reasons overlap, and 579 patients declined to answer.

With those reasons in mind, turn with me to a section on the age and previous births of the patients. The thirty-two people age 14, 15, or 16 had no previous births, but 3 of the thirty-one 17 year-olds seeking to terminate a pregnancy already had one previous live birth. One of the forty-eight 18 year-olds already had two previous live births, along with 3 of the seventy-five 19 year-olds. One of the one hundred nine 20 year-olds already had three previous live births. One of the one hundred fifty 22 year-old people had already had five previous live births. On the other end of the age scale there are six women age 40 to 43 with zero previous live births.

Those statistics are heartbreaking as I think of the young person who is already overwhelmed with the issues surrounding their sexuality and fertility, and on the other end of the spectrum the possibility of nearing the end of reproductive years—possibly wanting a baby very much—and facing health complications that make carrying a pregnancy impossible.

Even more heartbreaking are the statistics surrounding the age of the patient and number of previous pregnancies regardless of the outcome. Remember those 14, 15, and 16 year-olds with no live births? One of those 14 year olds had been pregnant before. One of those 17 year-olds who hadn’t delivered a live baby had also been pregnant before. One of those 19 year-olds, and one of those 20 year-olds were experiencing their 5^th pregnancy. One 23 year-old was on their 7+ pregnancy. Four of those 40-42 year-old people were terminating their first and only pregnancy. Four 45 year-olds were seeking termination. One had 3 previous births, two had 4 births, one had five previous births. Of those four people one was on their 4^th pregnancy, one was on their 6^th pregnancy, and two were on their 7^th pregnancy.

Those are just numbers, but it all makes me wonder who these women are and what is happening in their lives that brings them to this place where abortion seems like the best answer. Here are some things I think it is safe to assume about women who have had several previous pregnancies carried to term: these are not heartless monsters, and the issues surrounding pregnancy and abortion are not taken lightly. Here are some things I think it is safe to infer about girls (14 years old) who have had multiple pregnancies: there are things beyond their active choice contributing to their pregnancies.

Here’s the person most likely to seek to terminate a pregnancy in Nebraska: White, 20-something, high school educated, never married, never had an abortion, never had a baby, fewer than 10 weeks pregnant. She will likely go to a specialized clinic and receive a medication abortion. She will have a 99.9% chance of recovering with no complications.

These numbers can’t tell us whether the pregnant person wants to carry the pregnancy to term. They can’t tell us what would happen in an ideal world. They can’t tell us if the person had a job, health care, supportive community, or involved partners. They can’t tell us if this person feels like they have any choice at all.

For some of these people abortion saved their life. There will always be cases in which terminating a pregnancy is a necessary medical procedure. Outlawing abortion will not solve the issue, because the underlying causes of why a person believes it to be their best or only option are not addressed. It’s time to stop condemning those who seek abortion as heartless. It’s time to stop ignoring the real social issues contributing to their choice.

What is very clear is that increased access to contraception, good sex education, and healthy relationships with medical care providers could have prevented at least half, if not two-thirds of these terminations. Sexual assault prevention and social support for young people would add to the prevention. Recognizing the needs of real people in our communities could make a real difference.

Flower Photo by Tamara Gore on Unsplash
Flag Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay
Gray Photo by Genessa Panainte on Unsplash
Woman Sketch Image by chenspec from Pixabay

Taking the Side of the Side I’m On

The Problem

There’s an issue at the heart of many struggles in our society. The problem is uninspected power. Power is, in itself, a neutral. Troubles arise when power is not accompanied by accountability. That accountability has to come from others with power as well as those with no power. In essence, those with no power have to be given the power of oversight and authority over those who wield great power. We agree on this in our social contract. We are a democracy. If leaders do not live up to their end of the bargain we vote them out of office, giving those with no power authority over the powerful. We also have checks and balances among the branches of our government requiring accountability to other sources of power at the top.

The issue comes when only other power holders are in charge of keeping each other accountable. As humans we are inherently biased to take the side of others we view as peers. They are in our group, our tribe, and we are naturally bent toward defending them and believing their stories. We all do it. Everyday.

We don’t even have to have real connections or real allegiances for this phenomenon to appear. It’s evident in everything from Survivor alliances to color teams randomly assigned in larger middle schools. Green team is the best! That is what we believe deep in our minds because we are on the green team. One of my favorite short-lived television series was Better Off Ted. It played out the daily dynamics of working for a large, soulless corporation. One of the episodes showed the company randomly designating employees to decorative themes for their cubicles. It wasn’t long before the employees assigned themselves common characteristics that must be the source of their belonging to the group. Random assignment led to real allegiance.

We take the side of the side we are on. In human history this has led to both prosperity and destruction. We have a higher likelihood of survival if we are part of a group. Being part of a group can also lead us to destructive beliefs and behaviors. We will fight to the death for our group, even if our group is wrong. This leads us to the major issues in the news right now.

Racism

Power plus group identity is the origin of racism, it also perpetuates it. European colonists decided the land was empty–empty of people like them–so it was free for the taking. The labor of bodies not like theirs–brown skin, different features, foreign practices–was theirs for exploiting. Europeans had the power, they all agreed that this was the natural order of things. Slavery, Jim Crow, and even the War on Drugs became enshrined in law and “white” people prospered from the suffering of others. They did so with very few qualms. Their consciences were clear, and in fact they decided God must like it that way because the exploitation was so easy.

The roots of racism today echoes back to those first dynamics of power and group identity. We still propagate the idea that the land was empty, and that Divine providence brought us to this point. We cite the differences in culture and ethnic identity as the reason why “white” people prosper and “black” people struggle. I use quotations around black and white because real people aren’t either color, the terms exist to reinforce group identity. I say “we” because I am a white, middle-class woman. It’s my group that has been in power, justifying our prosperity and the degradation of others.

Sexism

The same game is played between the sexes. In a system of social hierarchy where sex determines your allotted power, our Western culture has placed men on top. To justify that power, legends have arisen regarding men’s and women’s innate characteristics. Men’s rational minds and women’s emotions. Men are providers, women are nurturers. Men run the world, women run the home. Men are strong, women are weak. These legends are repeated until they carry the rule of law.

Clergy Sexual Abuse

One of the most damaging and destructive power and group identity issues that has been uncovered in recent years is that of clergy sexual abuse being swept under the rug. This has happened in both Catholic as well as major protestant denominations. Group bias led clergy to excuse the behavior of other clergy, religious conviction required forgiveness, and ministers were shuffled from one congregation to another leaving a trail of trauma in the lives of their victims. The fear of a loss of power and prestige kept those in charge busy covering up the latest scandals instead of cleaning house.

Police Violence

The most prominent headlines in recent weeks are also due to power and group bias. Police violence has generally been evaluated, investigated, and justified by fellow officers and a justice system dependent on police cooperation. Police policing police has allowed gross injustice to flourish in the very center of institutions meant to protect and serve the populous. This has happened in coverups of racially motivated violence, police sexual assault, and massive corruption rings.

Break it down

What it all boils down to is this: if you have all the power, and you have no accountability to those without power, expect that your decisions will likely foster corruption. If “white” people get to decide when racism is real, racism will continue. If men get to decide when sexism is real, sexism will continue. If clergy get to decide when accusations of abuse are real, clergy abuse will continue. If police get to decide when excessive use of force complaints should be taken seriously, police violence will continue.

All of these problems have a common cause. They share a common solution, as well. Voices of the powerless must be given authority. Those with power will cringe at that suggestion. I can hear the objections now–in truth I have heard them all before:
“Those people can’t be allowed to play the victim!”
“Those people have an agenda!”
“Those people want to take down people like me!”
“My power is threatened!”
The last objection sums up all the rest. Group bias is a factor, but combined with the threat of losing individual power and personal identity feels life-threatening. No wonder people with power fight tooth and nail to defend their own. It’s their own interests they are defending.

WWJD

Seriously. Here’s the theology to wrap up all this sociology. What would Jesus do? What did Jesus do? Did he come and live among the Romans? Did he abuse his male privilege? Did he justify and gloss over religious power-fueled abuses? Did he take the side of state violence? If you know the gospels, you know the answers.

Jesus came as a marginalized person. He lived most of his adult life as a wandering rabbi. He spoke to women, touched lepers, blessed children, held men accountable for their actions toward women, called out religious leaders for their hypocrisy, and died on a Roman cross as a political dissident. Following Jesus means setting aside our group biases and listening to the voices from the margins.

This is uncomfortable, it feels dangerous to put your power and position in the hands of those who have been traditionally underprivileged. You may fear reprisals, or overreactions, but rest assured most people just want to be treated with respect. They want their voices to be heard. They want their stories to be believed. They want justice for what has been taken. They want peace in their homes and on their streets and in their churches.

It will require risk. It will take faith. Most of all, it will require us to follow the Bible’s commands to look not to our own interest, but the interests of others; to view ourselves with sober judgment; and to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Featured Image by John Hain from Pixabay
Hands Image by mmi9 from Pixabay
Chess Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Cemetery Image by Angela Yuriko Smith from Pixabay
Typewriter Image by Markus Winkler from Pixabay
Bible Image by James Chan from Pixabay